...it's where we begin.

2012. be good. that's really all i have to say. 2011 has been tough. and that's an insanely understated line. no more resolutions or lists to cross off. no one-liners and promises to go by for the rest of the year. just a simple commitment to nothing more but good vibes. i've gone through hell and half-way back to even think of piling up more pressure on myself this year.

we all deserve happiness. and we only get as much of it as we allow ourselves to have. i've been sidetracked several times this year. and the insanely thin list of entries attests to that. it's a little sad that a year's worth of memories have been relegated to a few lines. but i did have shitloads of photos. and to that, i owe myself a pat on the back. good job on keeping cy up and alive. barely. but alive.

i'm not yet out of the woods. quite far from it. and i can only expect 2012 to be a whisper away from 2011. but that's no reason for me to lay low and start shifting to lower gears. if anything, it should be my single driving force to kick the shit out of life's bad luck. everyday's literally a battle to get things back on track and to what they used to be. and i'm slowly getting things to their old groove. one good-vibe day at a time. that's the plan. yes, good vibes. that's the plan.

good vibes. come.

PS: i started the year in an unexpected way. i met someone. and yes, i don't expect it to last either.

this was meant to be posted last night. but my internet went crazy.

i write this with a brain half-asleep. and yet i feel like i really just need to air this out.

buwis-puso ka.

i had to coin something that will perfectly describe what i'm doing right now. although some might argue that where i am right now isn't as bad as what others are doing. but you know, if you're in the same state of bipolarity and immaturity that i'm in, i'm practically putting my neck on the train tracks here. yes, it's that heavy for me.

all i'm saying is that i don't deal well with waiting. it's laced with hope and the indefinite promise of having a happy tomorrow. i've always thought that hope is man's greatest constrain. but i recently think it's just a motherfucker in disguise. it doesn't get me fueled or anything. it just pisses me off. if it's mine, i'll work for it. if not, take it out of my face. and that goes for everything and anything that go by me. but right now, i'm mostly talking about you. yes, you.

my bipolarity gets the better of me EVERY SINGLE TIME. good thing my friend got to call me up before i got home tonight. otherwise, i think i might've said stuff that i might (or not) have regretted in two-weeks time. but well, like i was saying, i was perfectly fine before this whole thing got emotionally-charged again. ay nako. all i can say is everything gets messy after the three dreaded words. i despise saying it. not because i don't mean them but because i just know it messes with everything; especially in my brain. i don't function well with emotions. i get insanely charged with it. like i feel it pulsating through every inch of my body. how it gets expelled out isn't always pretty to watch. i really just have a horrible way of handling extreme emotions.

so yeah fine. i went a little overboard today. but you weren't wooing me! and it was annoying. very annoying. not to mention, i was having such a horrible day at work. and there you are, the only happy moment of my day and you ruined it. so fine, i'm sorry for last night. but how much amends do i need to do??? okay, at this point, it's really mostly just ego. but i just hate it that i also lose in our arguments. FINE. i lose. again. pfft. ugh.

waiting. what an incredulous act. i do not approve of it. but fine, i'll do it.

what an honest monday night we had. ten hours of pure and honest emotions to be exact. so honest it was almost scary. but i guess the no-expectations ryan is the best person to talk to. you don't get shit all wrapped up in drama. or immaturity. when i'm not expectating, i get to formulate the clearest questions. i'm saner. and better to talk to. but now, after 3am that morning, ay nako. that's all i can say. ay nako. it's like i'm back to square one. it's like august ryan all over again. and it was an annoying ryan. the ryan that was throwing all this crazy fits of clinginess and shit. which is why in my brain, i was resorting to that plan that my friend has ever so timingly foiled. ugh.

i still think (which you yourself agree too okay!) that if you really like someone, you'll make sure something happens.

THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN STALEMATE!?

again, wait. ryan, wait. breathe in. wait.

in time, ryan. in time.

...

love makes you do crazy things. insane things. things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. but there you are doing it. can't help it.

i have no words.

what a heavy heart i have tonight.

i don't know what to say to myself. i'm past anger. i'm past regret. and i don't know what stage this is, really. if i'm remotely near anything, it's possibly pity. self-pity to be more exact. what is this you are doing to yourself, ryan berza?!

ang bobo mo.

that's all i have to say. you're making a fool of yourself everyday. and yet you stick around for more. you knew he was trouble when you started your year with him again. you should've listened to you no-recycling-of-people-from-2011 resolution. it's never a good sign. never. nothing but heartache and trouble. i guess that's the karmic tradeoff for being happy. but there you are, still thinking about it. i am not sure why the answer isn't clear to me. the categorical reaction should be to leave. run. sprint! run the hell away from this bullshit. it's not worth it. it's never worth it. but then again, i guess this is the way things are when you you-know-what someone. i cringe. i cringe at the sissy i've become. this is some drama i've always told myself i'll veer away from. THIS IS BULLSHIT, RYAN BERZA.

the part i don't understand is how you can be soooo calm about this. how you're cool with ending it. i mean, what's all that about?! okay. chill. i just said i'm past anger. or am i? i'm mostly annoyed with myself. seriously, ryan. seriously. what are you doing? i know i'll get over this. it might be deeper than anyone i've ever invested in. but like everyone else, this too is undo-able. like what i've read somewhere over the internet said, no matter how far in you've gone, when you realize it's wrong, just walk back out. or something like that. you get what i mean. 

i need to shoot the optimistic in me.

i'll sleep over this tonight. i'm not thinking straight. no pun intended.

...

how do i begin to trust you again?

(past. professor. bullshit.)

dear sir,

it has been agreed upon today that below statements will hold true effective immediately. 

1. i will never ever see you in person. reason of which is "you are afraid to realize you are too crazy for me" (proof of which doesn't exist); and that in itself will be hereon considered as a valid reason.
2. i am now just a friend. a virtual friend to be exact. it shall remain at that until further notice.
3. i never owned you neither in the magulo-times nor in the sorted-out times. it shall stay that way until further notice as well.
4. you have not owned me. we were never together as we have only exhibited two of the five things required to be defined as "in a relationship". the remaining three shall only be revealed if serendipity would allow it.
5. i love you and it shall be far greater than you (and all your past lives put together) have and will ever love me.
6. the above statement should not be remembered for it hugely diminishes my sense of self-esteem and pride (not to mention it practically dissolves any form of ego i have left when it comes to you).

happy 7th ryanini! :D

i had a grander, more adventurous idea of how i was gonna spend today. i had a vision of doing a photowalk around where i've been spending my days now. like take a stroll around fort and take photos of things i'm now used to. i mean, this place is the closest i got to a park around here. i would've spent it with a cup of really good coffee with cy and pippy. but then the park they're trying to make near the condo isn't really done yet. so a walk would've been more apt.

but wait. none of that really happened. LOL!

i had a really bad case of cough and colds since last night. actually, since around wednesday. but things have been getting insane at work so i can't really afford to take a leave. not with the higher ups being around for big meetings and expecting nothing short of brilliance from the presentations. so it was just expected that when i got to the condo last night, i crashed. woke up at around 11 this morning. best mornings are spent idle, plan-less, tv raring loudly and eyes glued to shows like french food at home and national geographic. okay, i know the latter is a little dorky. it's my comfort saturday okay! had kfc delivered because i was that lazy. and sick. then slept again and woke up realizing it was half past six in the evening already.

that's how 7th anniversaries should be spent. hahaha!

my my. 789 entries. 84 months. 7 years. who would've thought right. if someone had told me seven years ago that i'd have a blog that'd be read by people (even though i haven't really actively broadcasted ryanini) and reach about 23,000++ hits, i would've laughed to their faces. i mean, who the freak cares right? that would've been 7 years worth of relentless ranting. of obscene drama. of unnecessary stress. of unpredictable bipolarity. and yet here i am still writing. and writing the same old crap, mind you. i never seem to get tired of it. i love my cycles. lol!

so much has happened here. so much, in fact, that when i read entries from a few years back, i don't even remember my own codenames. ryanini even had a photoblog phase. but then i figured it's not his true nature. like he's not meant for that. so i branched out to ryaneeners - who eventually took its natural death. RIP ryaneeners. then ryanini even had an official blog-hiatus which lasted for like seven months. longest and saddest months of my life. it was a phase that i thought would better go off the record. among other things that i thought should go off the record. if they're not on ryanini, they most likely didn't happen. out of sight, out of mind. hahaha.

but i've grown stronger. more mature (i think hope). i've come a long way from the giddy-boy of seven years ago that had nothing better to say other than how he spent his day walking all the way from the rizal library to wherever. and how he's disappointed with his C's and B's. or how his lunch ended more expensive than what he got. gotten soooo far away from that. idealism slowly waning away. but still as spontaneous and giddy and hopeful as ever.

ryanini's 7th vows to be more adventurous. more spontaneous. more positive. more wander-lust. less drama. less complications. here's to getting lost in more interesting parts of the globe and meeting more interesting people. to making more true friends filled with good vibes and an insane amount of fun. here's to keeping the people that have made the past years interesting and love-crazed. to the friends that stuck around and watched me go up and down my (self-proclaimed) bipolarity. and to the family that continuously puts up with my unreasonable and inexplicable plight for independence. 

it shall be epic. i decree it.

here's to more adventures and good-vibes-stories!

ay nako.

this is the ryan that i hate. the unfocused, illogical, fleeting, unthinking, unreasonable, clingy ryan.

i really have nothing else to say except that when this ryan starts happening, it's mostly downhill after. and here i was saying this morning, i'll prolly have to write something soon while i'm still at my happy-phase. because knowing how quickly things change (and how insanely bipolar and moody i am), i'm bound to feel another set of emotions soon.

eeeeh.

sayang. i didn't get to write the genuinely happy entry. hassle this hinode. my days have been eaten up completely. but well, that is after all my base work. so can't complain there. plus things are getting nailed down one by one. slowly. but at least i'm ticking things off. next big thing would probably have to be the travels for the trainings. trainings that I will conduct. so yeah. shoot me. there are some things you can't wing anymore. so yeah. i'll figure something out by then. hopefully. oh and i've been feeling under the weather lately. hassle this cough and colds. hassle big time! i caught the virus going around since last week. and being the i-feel-that-my-body-will-heal-itself person that i am, i haven't exactly been taking anything for it. so yeah. i'm winging it. which isn't exactly a good strategy. but that'll work. it better. i can't afford to be sick too long.

i'm excited for saturday. badminton and jogging. on my way to a healthy start. well, trying.

...

love - apprehensions = genuine happiness.

i have to remind myself to keep my emotions at bay. they tend to go crazy sometimes. it's overkill at some point. so yeah. i'll prolly have to do a manual reboot before i completely go berzerk. 

tomorrow, i shall be unclingy again. i shall unclingify!

PS: it's hard handling these feelings. i don't know how to deal with them. seriously. i don't think i was equipped.

that awkward moment when you wait the entire day to get a chance to talk to him, and when you finally do, you fuck it up.

such is life.

...

that's really all i had to say right now. i had more actually. but i figured that'll totally negate my previous entry of trying to unclingify. but i just had to say it. this is prolly more twitter-worthy than tabulas. oh well.

...

whatever happened to hedging?

i would've said paris. but then that would've been lying. i was literally in the outskirts of France already. but France nonetheless.

...

funny how i always go back to that perfect little ten days of my life. i'd wake up in the morning and not have any plans. all i had were my little tattered city map i got from the train station, my ride-all-you-can train pass, my then classic ipod, and an appetite to be far far away from everything. i was about a hairline above poverty line so i didn't really have internet access. if i availed of it, that would mean one less meal for the day. but i was perfectly fine. perfectly fine indeed. i'd jog around the area where my far-flung hotel was despite the chill of the morning breeze cutting through my face. i partly romanticized the idea of jogging in a foreign land so i'd endure the blistering feeling of four degrees.

i'd have whatever lunch my meager budget allowed; which we all know wasn't much. lunch mostly consisted of cheap cold sandwiches i found at the subway walkways paired with really really good coffee. yes, coffee at two in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable for a boy out in the cold. i didn't have cy back then so i made do with the five megapixel camera that has lasted long enough for two visits to europe. but i was happy. i, that camera, and my bulky tripod were very happy. i couldn't care less that people were staring at me taking photos on my beloved grass. oh that glorious grass. so much green that can last me a lifetime. my strange affinity for grassy parks was completely satiated. and i was a very happy boy. i took photos not for anyone else but completely for my own personal consumption. to date, i don't think i've shared the photos i had that fine ten days. and i'm fine with it.

because then, i wasn't confined by facebook.

...

cool transition eh?

because now, i'm about to plug in the fact that i've officially gone on a facebook-hiatus for a lot of different reasons, really. but in a nutshell, i got tired of online crap. how i'd find myself eager to get home or get my hands on a keyboard to type away what had just happened. and now that i've gone BB-fied, i'd share crap real-time. and then wait how people would react or comment on it. i'd look forward to knowing people gave a fuck about the things that were happening in my life. it's almost as if it felt that i owe it to the online world to keep them updated on the things i was busying myself with. and a no-notifications day would almost be tantamount to no-one-really-cares. okay, i prolly just sounded like a complete attention-whore. maybe i made it sound a little worse than it really is. my point is, i'm missing out on real world connections.

i once said, technology has made the world smaller but not necessarily closer.

i spent a good half of the day yesterday waiting for you to go online. it has  slowly become the highlight of my day. how i'd try to make it seem like i'm just sharing things randomly. but really, now that i think about it, i wanted to make you a part of my day as real as possible. i'd integrate my stories with yours and try to weave them in my head. how i try to imagine where you were and where i was and how serendipitous it would have been to bump into each other.

i need to grab a hold of my life and make it more real.

real life happens out there, not in facebook. if i wanted to keep people updated with what i've been doing, i'll make sure they're part of it. if you're important enough (or want to be important enough) in my life, you'd be around. you'll be a call or a text away from dinner. or lunch. or just a random cup of coffee at that obscure coffee shop. i want to tell people stories in person and not through condensed phrases. i'll be where i am a hundred percent and not have my brain wander off else where hoping that people will know where i am, what i'm doing, and who i'm with.

if i find a new song, i'd want us to listen to it together. we'll drive to wherever and have that perfect sound-tripping afternoon. we'd burn oh-so-precious gas, yes. but at least we get to listen to songs together. and all the stories in between (and my infectious car-dancing) would just be a total plus.

i'd like to see your photos from your last trip to wherever over breakfast after i pick you up from the airport. because i'm a good friend like that. and then i wouldn't have to infer what happened in the photos because you'll tell me all the stories behind the wacky poses and not through comments or photo titles. or better yet, i'd make time (a far shot but i dare to dream) to BE part of your trips.

i'll go to places, and eat at quaint little holes-in-the-wall not because i want people to know i went there. but because i genuinely enjoy their food, the place, and the people i'm with. i'll try to look cute and presentable because it makes me feel good. not because i want to register well when people upload my photos. i'd still be conscious, yes. but that doesn't mean i'd have to let it run my life. i'll live my life the way i want to not the way people would see me live it.

seven hundred plus plus people connected to you. but how many do you really keep in touch with? convenience doesn't always translate to real-life connections. i'm at my laziest to meet with friends and go out with them because i know i'll get to talk to them whenever i want to. if i want to be updated with what they're doing, a "visit" to their walls would tell me all. but when was the last time you had a real genuine talk with them? i want to be inconvenienced. i want to exert effort and go out of my way to meet them all up again. i want the hey's and the hi's to turn into actual walks in parks. or a stroll in the mall. i just want to see all of you again not through a thin piece of screen.

i'll make time. i'll get more time. i won't be spending countless hours in front of my laptop waiting for genuine conversations to happen. i shall throw myself out there. get myself more active and healthier. jog more. walk more. get more quality sleep. it shall be tough, i feel it. i'll have to work my way out of bad habits. i'll have to kick my ass off of this all-too-comfortable couch. but i'll make it work. i'll try.

...

soon. i shall jog again like i used to in chaville-vélizy.

hello real world.

i feel like i'm totally experiencing some heavy bouts of withdrawal syndrome.

i haven't checked facebook for two straight days now. yesterday was relatively easy. i was just at home, yes. but i had a lot of things to do. aka sleep. plus i was busy trying to bulk up my 90s playlist come night time. so that was relatively a breeze. today was a little insane though. work was its usual shitty self. and i really didn't have any form of breather at all. all i had was twitter. shitty twitter. feeds weren't as satisfying and i wasn't as entertained. so i was almost biting the head off of the people i was talking to. it felt like i was extra edgy.

i realized that facebook has been my form of escape during work. like some sort of window from my daily dose of stress. so today, i felt like i was extremely lacking oxygen. it was almost like my head was throbbing from anxiety. not to mention that more than half of the team was still out on vacation today. so it was literally just me and four other people in the area. and we were all so busy too. so no interaction there. i guess i'm such a social person that when you take an avenue out, i feel like a limb's been cut off. okay okay. i'm practically equating facebook to an apendage. overkill.

...

as for you, i really have no words. i guess i'll have to take rejection or denial or defeat or whatever this has turned out now where they're due. i need to stop forcing crap on everyone. my low eq isn't helping either. i guess i really just have to stick with my own rules. i was the one that made them after all. yun. sakit lang sa puso, yes. but i'll have to live with it. one month and i'll be fine, i guess. how timely cos it's on my birthday month too! another birthday celebrated with singlehood. guess my 24th isn't my year. hahaha! wasn't counting on it anyway. with the way i'm such a malabo person, i doubt i'll sort through my own issues.

okay, labo. i didn't make sense at all.

anyway, i'll prolly put a black out on this one too soon. i feel like the more i talk about it here, the more i get to read about it everytime i visit ryanini (odd because i'm suddenly all emotionally-charged up again just writing this line). i wouldn't want to go on a tabulas-hiatus too. my brain might just short-circuit completely.

but allow me one last hurrah before my blackout...

my feelings have not changed one bit. if anything, it's still as hopeful as ever. i really don't have much to work on except this whole serendipity-shit; which, if you ask me, is just a load of mother eff. if you want or love something or someone, you work for it. you don't sleep over it or hope fate will do something about it. you seize life by its balls and beat the shit out of it until you're sure the things and people you love the most will be around you. i guess i really am just the all-or-nothing type. and i've been sitting on the fence on this one because, well, love is love. i cringe at the fact that i call it now what i call it now. but then i'd have to call an apple an apple. otherwise, i'm just denying plain facts. i've been too scared to make the decision myself and i guess i've also been scared to know what your decision is. but one way or another, i'd have to swallow the real deal. what happens happens. as it is, i think i've already set things in motion. it's prolly gonna be considered as one of those signs you anchor your big decisions on. oh well. things i'd have to live with. in retrospect, i've ruined a lot of things because my eq just won't allow me to wait. or that my ego's too big for me to hang around. at this point, i really don't know what's cooking in my brain. in all honesty, i don't. all i do know is that i want a real-er life. something more tangible. and facebook just wasn't cutting it.

i woke up with the worst case of a broken heart yesterday morning. got to bed around 2am saturday after getting wasted in cubao ex. had as much alcohol as my driving-limit would allow knowing i'll prolly be dealing with a shitty week ahead. and then was half-awake by 6 in the morning. by 8, i just couldn't stand the fact that i was just tossing and turning in bed. it felt like such a waste of time. so i got up, changed clothes and jogged. yes, i jogged despite the hangover. it did sort of cure it. i felt like i sweat off most of the previous night's alcohol. plus i needed that jolt of endorphins. drowned my ugly thoughts with gv-music. it worked for a while. but then i found myself sort of tearing up when always something there to remind me played. i know. a fucking melodramatic sunday morning. like the kind you puke from when you see it in the movies. it was overkill, i know. i don't even know why i'm writing this down now. LOL! i'm waiting for autumn. or summer to end. or whatever.

heart. brain. time. consistency. proximity.

until now, still two out of five.

i write too much about this. i should stop.

...

i bet you i'll feel completely different tomorrow morning.

You and me
We come from different worlds
You like to laugh at me
When I look at other (girls)
Sometimes you're crazy
And you wonder why
I'm such a baby
Cause the Dolphins make me cry

so today was interesting. was already pretty much deep into work as early as nine in the morning. i had a lot today so i needed to make sure i was in early. tried getting a head start. but you know, you can never really get head starts when you're against the real world. but i tried. i did get to finish my W&DP today (which was waaaay overdue by the way). i hate the friggin' document. it's a daunting bastard that always catches me off guard. but yeah, it's that time of the year. again.

then went out for lunch with the higher ups.

Well there's nothing I can do
I only wanna be with you
You can call me your fool
Only wanna be with you
Put on a little Dylan
sitting on a fence
I say that line is great
You ask me what I meant by
"Said I shot a man named Gray
Took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks
And when she died it came to me
I can't help it if I'm lucky"

was one of the oddest lunches i've had. ended up having lunch with my ex-boss and my current boss. both very cool people. i think i've been extremely lucky to get them both. both bosses allow me to say anything candidly. i don't think i'd have to screen the things i say (of course within good reason). but i mean i get to air out everything without being judged. plus they both have been very helpful career-wise. it was interesting that i got them both in one lunch out without intending to. the air was thick at first because it was supposed to be a mentoring session. but then turned out to be a friendly lunch between them both and a direct report they both shared in common. interesting. but i won't do it again. hahaha.

long story short, i ended up in my old band 4's car with three other band 3s. we ran into my old associate director lunching with another band 3. i looked like the ultimate epal of the world. plus the other band 3 just moved back to manila from a china-stint. even introduced himself to me. that's prolly how polite pleasantries go. i'm completely ill-equipped. he probably people-finder-ed me up after getting back to check what band i was and what the hell i was doing in that situation. pretty interesting situation too if you ask me. LOL! but again, friendly lunch. the associate director was joking me that i was sucking up to my new and old bosses. growing networks. lol! i was speechless. totally not my intention. but ended up looking that way. these corporate plays, i can never understand them. i just want to be that little boy that wanted to ask real world questions from the big boys (or girls).

Only wanna be with you
Ain't Bobby so cool
Only wanna be with you

speaking of real world questions...

i ended up talking to them about how illiquid i currently am and how badly my real-world standing is. and they ended up telling me where i should be putting my money. plus they started talking about husbands and other real-world-i'm-a-working-mother-in-the-corporate-world kind of stuff. i totally zoned out. i mean they both know that completely doesn't relate to me. but they tried being inclusive. sort of. lol!

Yeah I'm tangled up in blue
Only wanna be with you
You can call me your fool
Only wanna be with you
Sometimes I wonder
If it will ever end
You get so mad at me
When I go out with my friends

so later today, had shitloads more calls. plus a handful of other emails. i'm starting to hate meetings. and calls. which i totally cannot afford to because that's gonna be my life for the next couple of years. either that or have seven people report to me. i guess i'd rather have this. it's a different kind of stress. but stress nonetheless. so when deeds asked if i wanted to jog with her, totally jumped at the opportunity. i was looking to buy a new pair of rubber shoes anyway. my white ones have looooong been overdue for a replacement. they've seen one too many badminton games already. long story short again, i bought a new pair. blue ones! wanted to get a more neutral pair but then deeds said i should just go for the first pair. plus they're very light. it's prolly gonna be one of my three-part birthday gift to myself. hahaha. self-gratification. it's the shiznit yo (especially during these very tough and lonely times).

so the low eq person that i was, used it already to run. yes, i'm that much of an eager beaver. had the happiest run ever. cute pair of running shoes. plus i get to use them this saturday for badminton. and with the amount of money i invested in it, i better get my ass running! ran about three kilometers. but that dinner in papa john's wasn't agreeing too well with my running. so we ended up walking the last kilometer. and we got side-tracked by the window displays at the latter end. so yeah, we went in at roxy's to look at stuff for our asian backpacking adventure. it was such a ditze thing to do. lol!

Well there's nothing I can do
Only wanna be with you
You can call me your fool
Only wanna be with you
Yeah I'm tangled up in blue
Only wanna be with you

interesting day.