i would've said paris. but then that would've been lying. i was literally in the outskirts of France already. but France nonetheless.

...

funny how i always go back to that perfect little ten days of my life. i'd wake up in the morning and not have any plans. all i had were my little tattered city map i got from the train station, my ride-all-you-can train pass, my then classic ipod, and an appetite to be far far away from everything. i was about a hairline above poverty line so i didn't really have internet access. if i availed of it, that would mean one less meal for the day. but i was perfectly fine. perfectly fine indeed. i'd jog around the area where my far-flung hotel was despite the chill of the morning breeze cutting through my face. i partly romanticized the idea of jogging in a foreign land so i'd endure the blistering feeling of four degrees.

i'd have whatever lunch my meager budget allowed; which we all know wasn't much. lunch mostly consisted of cheap cold sandwiches i found at the subway walkways paired with really really good coffee. yes, coffee at two in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable for a boy out in the cold. i didn't have cy back then so i made do with the five megapixel camera that has lasted long enough for two visits to europe. but i was happy. i, that camera, and my bulky tripod were very happy. i couldn't care less that people were staring at me taking photos on my beloved grass. oh that glorious grass. so much green that can last me a lifetime. my strange affinity for grassy parks was completely satiated. and i was a very happy boy. i took photos not for anyone else but completely for my own personal consumption. to date, i don't think i've shared the photos i had that fine ten days. and i'm fine with it.

because then, i wasn't confined by facebook.

...

cool transition eh?

because now, i'm about to plug in the fact that i've officially gone on a facebook-hiatus for a lot of different reasons, really. but in a nutshell, i got tired of online crap. how i'd find myself eager to get home or get my hands on a keyboard to type away what had just happened. and now that i've gone BB-fied, i'd share crap real-time. and then wait how people would react or comment on it. i'd look forward to knowing people gave a fuck about the things that were happening in my life. it's almost as if it felt that i owe it to the online world to keep them updated on the things i was busying myself with. and a no-notifications day would almost be tantamount to no-one-really-cares. okay, i prolly just sounded like a complete attention-whore. maybe i made it sound a little worse than it really is. my point is, i'm missing out on real world connections.

i once said, technology has made the world smaller but not necessarily closer.

i spent a good half of the day yesterday waiting for you to go online. it has  slowly become the highlight of my day. how i'd try to make it seem like i'm just sharing things randomly. but really, now that i think about it, i wanted to make you a part of my day as real as possible. i'd integrate my stories with yours and try to weave them in my head. how i try to imagine where you were and where i was and how serendipitous it would have been to bump into each other.

i need to grab a hold of my life and make it more real.

real life happens out there, not in facebook. if i wanted to keep people updated with what i've been doing, i'll make sure they're part of it. if you're important enough (or want to be important enough) in my life, you'd be around. you'll be a call or a text away from dinner. or lunch. or just a random cup of coffee at that obscure coffee shop. i want to tell people stories in person and not through condensed phrases. i'll be where i am a hundred percent and not have my brain wander off else where hoping that people will know where i am, what i'm doing, and who i'm with.

if i find a new song, i'd want us to listen to it together. we'll drive to wherever and have that perfect sound-tripping afternoon. we'd burn oh-so-precious gas, yes. but at least we get to listen to songs together. and all the stories in between (and my infectious car-dancing) would just be a total plus.

i'd like to see your photos from your last trip to wherever over breakfast after i pick you up from the airport. because i'm a good friend like that. and then i wouldn't have to infer what happened in the photos because you'll tell me all the stories behind the wacky poses and not through comments or photo titles. or better yet, i'd make time (a far shot but i dare to dream) to BE part of your trips.

i'll go to places, and eat at quaint little holes-in-the-wall not because i want people to know i went there. but because i genuinely enjoy their food, the place, and the people i'm with. i'll try to look cute and presentable because it makes me feel good. not because i want to register well when people upload my photos. i'd still be conscious, yes. but that doesn't mean i'd have to let it run my life. i'll live my life the way i want to not the way people would see me live it.

seven hundred plus plus people connected to you. but how many do you really keep in touch with? convenience doesn't always translate to real-life connections. i'm at my laziest to meet with friends and go out with them because i know i'll get to talk to them whenever i want to. if i want to be updated with what they're doing, a "visit" to their walls would tell me all. but when was the last time you had a real genuine talk with them? i want to be inconvenienced. i want to exert effort and go out of my way to meet them all up again. i want the hey's and the hi's to turn into actual walks in parks. or a stroll in the mall. i just want to see all of you again not through a thin piece of screen.

i'll make time. i'll get more time. i won't be spending countless hours in front of my laptop waiting for genuine conversations to happen. i shall throw myself out there. get myself more active and healthier. jog more. walk more. get more quality sleep. it shall be tough, i feel it. i'll have to work my way out of bad habits. i'll have to kick my ass off of this all-too-comfortable couch. but i'll make it work. i'll try.

...

soon. i shall jog again like i used to in chaville-vélizy.

hello real world.

that awkward moment when you wait the entire day to get a chance to talk to him, and when you finally do, you fuck it up.

such is life.

...

that's really all i had to say right now. i had more actually. but i figured that'll totally negate my previous entry of trying to unclingify. but i just had to say it. this is prolly more twitter-worthy than tabulas. oh well.

...

whatever happened to hedging?

ay nako.

this is the ryan that i hate. the unfocused, illogical, fleeting, unthinking, unreasonable, clingy ryan.

i really have nothing else to say except that when this ryan starts happening, it's mostly downhill after. and here i was saying this morning, i'll prolly have to write something soon while i'm still at my happy-phase. because knowing how quickly things change (and how insanely bipolar and moody i am), i'm bound to feel another set of emotions soon.

eeeeh.

sayang. i didn't get to write the genuinely happy entry. hassle this hinode. my days have been eaten up completely. but well, that is after all my base work. so can't complain there. plus things are getting nailed down one by one. slowly. but at least i'm ticking things off. next big thing would probably have to be the travels for the trainings. trainings that I will conduct. so yeah. shoot me. there are some things you can't wing anymore. so yeah. i'll figure something out by then. hopefully. oh and i've been feeling under the weather lately. hassle this cough and colds. hassle big time! i caught the virus going around since last week. and being the i-feel-that-my-body-will-heal-itself person that i am, i haven't exactly been taking anything for it. so yeah. i'm winging it. which isn't exactly a good strategy. but that'll work. it better. i can't afford to be sick too long.

i'm excited for saturday. badminton and jogging. on my way to a healthy start. well, trying.

...

love - apprehensions = genuine happiness.

i have to remind myself to keep my emotions at bay. they tend to go crazy sometimes. it's overkill at some point. so yeah. i'll prolly have to do a manual reboot before i completely go berzerk. 

tomorrow, i shall be unclingy again. i shall unclingify!

PS: it's hard handling these feelings. i don't know how to deal with them. seriously. i don't think i was equipped.

happy 7th ryanini! :D

i had a grander, more adventurous idea of how i was gonna spend today. i had a vision of doing a photowalk around where i've been spending my days now. like take a stroll around fort and take photos of things i'm now used to. i mean, this place is the closest i got to a park around here. i would've spent it with a cup of really good coffee with cy and pippy. but then the park they're trying to make near the condo isn't really done yet. so a walk would've been more apt.

but wait. none of that really happened. LOL!

i had a really bad case of cough and colds since last night. actually, since around wednesday. but things have been getting insane at work so i can't really afford to take a leave. not with the higher ups being around for big meetings and expecting nothing short of brilliance from the presentations. so it was just expected that when i got to the condo last night, i crashed. woke up at around 11 this morning. best mornings are spent idle, plan-less, tv raring loudly and eyes glued to shows like french food at home and national geographic. okay, i know the latter is a little dorky. it's my comfort saturday okay! had kfc delivered because i was that lazy. and sick. then slept again and woke up realizing it was half past six in the evening already.

that's how 7th anniversaries should be spent. hahaha!

my my. 789 entries. 84 months. 7 years. who would've thought right. if someone had told me seven years ago that i'd have a blog that'd be read by people (even though i haven't really actively broadcasted ryanini) and reach about 23,000++ hits, i would've laughed to their faces. i mean, who the freak cares right? that would've been 7 years worth of relentless ranting. of obscene drama. of unnecessary stress. of unpredictable bipolarity. and yet here i am still writing. and writing the same old crap, mind you. i never seem to get tired of it. i love my cycles. lol!

so much has happened here. so much, in fact, that when i read entries from a few years back, i don't even remember my own codenames. ryanini even had a photoblog phase. but then i figured it's not his true nature. like he's not meant for that. so i branched out to ryaneeners - who eventually took its natural death. RIP ryaneeners. then ryanini even had an official blog-hiatus which lasted for like seven months. longest and saddest months of my life. it was a phase that i thought would better go off the record. among other things that i thought should go off the record. if they're not on ryanini, they most likely didn't happen. out of sight, out of mind. hahaha.

but i've grown stronger. more mature (i think hope). i've come a long way from the giddy-boy of seven years ago that had nothing better to say other than how he spent his day walking all the way from the rizal library to wherever. and how he's disappointed with his C's and B's. or how his lunch ended more expensive than what he got. gotten soooo far away from that. idealism slowly waning away. but still as spontaneous and giddy and hopeful as ever.

ryanini's 7th vows to be more adventurous. more spontaneous. more positive. more wander-lust. less drama. less complications. here's to getting lost in more interesting parts of the globe and meeting more interesting people. to making more true friends filled with good vibes and an insane amount of fun. here's to keeping the people that have made the past years interesting and love-crazed. to the friends that stuck around and watched me go up and down my (self-proclaimed) bipolarity. and to the family that continuously puts up with my unreasonable and inexplicable plight for independence. 

it shall be epic. i decree it.

here's to more adventures and good-vibes-stories!

dear sir,

it has been agreed upon today that below statements will hold true effective immediately. 

1. i will never ever see you in person. reason of which is "you are afraid to realize you are too crazy for me" (proof of which doesn't exist); and that in itself will be hereon considered as a valid reason.
2. i am now just a friend. a virtual friend to be exact. it shall remain at that until further notice.
3. i never owned you neither in the magulo-times nor in the sorted-out times. it shall stay that way until further notice as well.
4. you have not owned me. we were never together as we have only exhibited two of the five things required to be defined as "in a relationship". the remaining three shall only be revealed if serendipity would allow it.
5. i love you and it shall be far greater than you (and all your past lives put together) have and will ever love me.
6. the above statement should not be remembered for it hugely diminishes my sense of self-esteem and pride (not to mention it practically dissolves any form of ego i have left when it comes to you).

i have no words.

what a heavy heart i have tonight.

i don't know what to say to myself. i'm past anger. i'm past regret. and i don't know what stage this is, really. if i'm remotely near anything, it's possibly pity. self-pity to be more exact. what is this you are doing to yourself, ryan berza?!

ang bobo mo.

that's all i have to say. you're making a fool of yourself everyday. and yet you stick around for more. you knew he was trouble when you started your year with him again. you should've listened to you no-recycling-of-people-from-2011 resolution. it's never a good sign. never. nothing but heartache and trouble. i guess that's the karmic tradeoff for being happy. but there you are, still thinking about it. i am not sure why the answer isn't clear to me. the categorical reaction should be to leave. run. sprint! run the hell away from this bullshit. it's not worth it. it's never worth it. but then again, i guess this is the way things are when you you-know-what someone. i cringe. i cringe at the sissy i've become. this is some drama i've always told myself i'll veer away from. THIS IS BULLSHIT, RYAN BERZA.

the part i don't understand is how you can be soooo calm about this. how you're cool with ending it. i mean, what's all that about?! okay. chill. i just said i'm past anger. or am i? i'm mostly annoyed with myself. seriously, ryan. seriously. what are you doing? i know i'll get over this. it might be deeper than anyone i've ever invested in. but like everyone else, this too is undo-able. like what i've read somewhere over the internet said, no matter how far in you've gone, when you realize it's wrong, just walk back out. or something like that. you get what i mean. 

i need to shoot the optimistic in me.

i'll sleep over this tonight. i'm not thinking straight. no pun intended.

...

how do i begin to trust you again?

(past. professor. bullshit.)

this was meant to be posted last night. but my internet went crazy.

i write this with a brain half-asleep. and yet i feel like i really just need to air this out.

buwis-puso ka.

i had to coin something that will perfectly describe what i'm doing right now. although some might argue that where i am right now isn't as bad as what others are doing. but you know, if you're in the same state of bipolarity and immaturity that i'm in, i'm practically putting my neck on the train tracks here. yes, it's that heavy for me.

all i'm saying is that i don't deal well with waiting. it's laced with hope and the indefinite promise of having a happy tomorrow. i've always thought that hope is man's greatest constrain. but i recently think it's just a motherfucker in disguise. it doesn't get me fueled or anything. it just pisses me off. if it's mine, i'll work for it. if not, take it out of my face. and that goes for everything and anything that go by me. but right now, i'm mostly talking about you. yes, you.

my bipolarity gets the better of me EVERY SINGLE TIME. good thing my friend got to call me up before i got home tonight. otherwise, i think i might've said stuff that i might (or not) have regretted in two-weeks time. but well, like i was saying, i was perfectly fine before this whole thing got emotionally-charged again. ay nako. all i can say is everything gets messy after the three dreaded words. i despise saying it. not because i don't mean them but because i just know it messes with everything; especially in my brain. i don't function well with emotions. i get insanely charged with it. like i feel it pulsating through every inch of my body. how it gets expelled out isn't always pretty to watch. i really just have a horrible way of handling extreme emotions.

so yeah fine. i went a little overboard today. but you weren't wooing me! and it was annoying. very annoying. not to mention, i was having such a horrible day at work. and there you are, the only happy moment of my day and you ruined it. so fine, i'm sorry for last night. but how much amends do i need to do??? okay, at this point, it's really mostly just ego. but i just hate it that i also lose in our arguments. FINE. i lose. again. pfft. ugh.

waiting. what an incredulous act. i do not approve of it. but fine, i'll do it.

what an honest monday night we had. ten hours of pure and honest emotions to be exact. so honest it was almost scary. but i guess the no-expectations ryan is the best person to talk to. you don't get shit all wrapped up in drama. or immaturity. when i'm not expectating, i get to formulate the clearest questions. i'm saner. and better to talk to. but now, after 3am that morning, ay nako. that's all i can say. ay nako. it's like i'm back to square one. it's like august ryan all over again. and it was an annoying ryan. the ryan that was throwing all this crazy fits of clinginess and shit. which is why in my brain, i was resorting to that plan that my friend has ever so timingly foiled. ugh.

i still think (which you yourself agree too okay!) that if you really like someone, you'll make sure something happens.

THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN STALEMATE!?

again, wait. ryan, wait. breathe in. wait.

in time, ryan. in time.

...

love makes you do crazy things. insane things. things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. but there you are doing it. can't help it.

...it's where we begin.

2012. be good. that's really all i have to say. 2011 has been tough. and that's an insanely understated line. no more resolutions or lists to cross off. no one-liners and promises to go by for the rest of the year. just a simple commitment to nothing more but good vibes. i've gone through hell and half-way back to even think of piling up more pressure on myself this year.

we all deserve happiness. and we only get as much of it as we allow ourselves to have. i've been sidetracked several times this year. and the insanely thin list of entries attests to that. it's a little sad that a year's worth of memories have been relegated to a few lines. but i did have shitloads of photos. and to that, i owe myself a pat on the back. good job on keeping cy up and alive. barely. but alive.

i'm not yet out of the woods. quite far from it. and i can only expect 2012 to be a whisper away from 2011. but that's no reason for me to lay low and start shifting to lower gears. if anything, it should be my single driving force to kick the shit out of life's bad luck. everyday's literally a battle to get things back on track and to what they used to be. and i'm slowly getting things to their old groove. one good-vibe day at a time. that's the plan. yes, good vibes. that's the plan.

good vibes. come.

PS: i started the year in an unexpected way. i met someone. and yes, i don't expect it to last either.

i owe december a little more positivity than my last entry. i've completely spat at the spirit of christmas and all things good and positive in my last entry. i should be ashamed of myself. wait. i actually am. haha.

today was awesome.

last working day of 2011 and i spent it with my second home. some things really just never change. my home for the past three years will always remain my home. it's been an odd love-hate-hate-hate relationship but it's been interesting. treasury with all its drudgery and borderline hopelessness over my last year is still the home i've come to love (and hate). tonight, i'm not sure if my bipolarity is getting the better of me but i was really happy being back around the trading room. it was an oddly warm feeling. new faces. and a few old ones. and yet i found myself happy again. and of course i'm about to ruin this pristinely positive note by saying it's probably because the sources of bv weren't there. LOL. but in any case, i shall shelf that thought up for the meantime and concentrate on the fact that tonight was purely gv. (last hirit, elma wasn't there. that takes up a whole huge source of bv out already! hahahaha!)

had dinner at lutong macau to send someone off (again). it's becoming almost a monthly practice. sending someone off, i mean. and for a moment there, i was thinking of when i'd have my own. i find myself slipping in and out of wanting to leave. the part that does want out is mostly the one that's still holding on to what little idealism i still have for the thought of passion. and yet i can't really complain right now because i'm starting to get things going my way again. so you know. stalemate.

i have no words, really.

i just wanted to express random bouts of positivity. for a change. the whole i'm-friggin'-negative-and-i-hate-the-world drama is getting pretty old. the world never runs out of shit to throw at you. i mean really, i give the world props for its creativity at coming up with some pretty sick crap. and it always finds ways to outdo itself. so really, why sulk? (of course i'll be looking at the situation from a different perspective when i start drowning from bullshit again. hahahaha.)

what a christmas. lack-luster. but definitely happy. i made sure those who count, count. family may get on your nerves sometimes but when it comes to this time of the year, they get first dibs on everything. and by first dibs i mean getting eighty percent of my christmas bonus. lol! it's always the same case every year. the pie gets bigger but my family's share just keep getting bigger too. so i don't really end up giving gifts to more people. oh well. it's the happiest time anyway. nothing is more fulfilling than seeing the look on family's faces getting something they wouldn't expect to get (from you). priceless. excuse the lack of a better term. some literary genius i am. lol!

i can't remember having this much haha's and lol's in an entry in the recent past. i must really be happy.

oh and on the subject matter of you, yj. i am insanely glad the idea of you is finally over. and i mean OVER! those socially awkward moments when i no longer know my intentions are finally out the window! gone are the days when i will overthink my actions and rehash over and over whether i said the right thing or did the right gesture to subtly let you know i'm interested but at the same time not risk coming off as tacky and desperate. to hell with those confusions! i'm free of it. i guess all i really needed was that final shove that you are, after all, not interested. that you are interested with someone else. and those tricky situations with me were all just happening in my brain.

good riddance! but hey, i'm civil.

...

what a happy day.